I’m pleased to report that, after an epic weekend battle, yet another zombie invasion has been contained. Initial estimates show volunteers for the Zombie Hunting Militia at Outbreak:Omega 5 numbered more than 1,000. Multiply that by at least 50-plus spent cartridges per hunter and you can imagine the scope of the firefight. It was intense.
Unlike most other war journalists, I was fully armed and managed to rack up plenty of enemy (zombie) kills. But when I wasn’t taking head shots or avoiding zombie bites, I did my part to document the hair-raising events to share with you. Each day this week, Monday-Friday, I’ll share a unique “Top 5″ from Outbreak:Omega 5.
I’ll start with the Top 5 Best-Dressed Zombie Hunters. Here they are, ranked in order of greatness from the top down:
1. The Masked Madman
Maybe it’s the awesome assortment of ARs, or the .50 cal. Desert Eagle handgun hiding on his waist? Or perhaps it’s the Jerry-rigged, razor-sharp fan on his gun cart that shreds zombies into oblivion after they’re lured-in by the miniature, long-haired little girl heads (brains!). Bottom line: The Masked Madman is the full package and the No. 1 Best-Dressed Zombie Hunter.
2. The Chicken
Crafty. He’s the only chicken in history to carry a rifle, and this zombie hunter is a pure genius. Zombies don’t eat poultry, so The Chicken was able to carelessly stroll through hordes of zombies without being noticed. Head shot after head shot—this rooster’s rifle crowed all day long.
3. The Weekend Warrior
America! This zombie hunter served as a reminder to all of us that every dead zombie brings us one step closer to freedom. While he wasn’t sending lead downrange, The Weekend Warrior was seen at the driving range. And the beach. And sipping umbrella drinks. God bless.
4. The Fishnet Fighter
There’s more than one way to kill a zombie, and with men—zombies or not—certain urges never die. A wink and a “come here” motion with her trigger finger was all it took for The Fishnet Fighter to magnetize gangs of unsuspecting undead. Poor fools.
5. The Kilt Killer
He didn’t come all the way from Scotland to kill zombies, but The Kilt Killer has his tactical reasons for leaving the Wranglers at home for this mission. First, the flexibility of a kilt is unmatched. Second, there’s no time for a zombie hunter to unbutton pants for bladder relief in the heat of battle. Finally, if you’re risking your life to kill zombies … you might as well let it all air out.
When it comes to assembling the all-volunteer Zombie Hunting Militia … let’s just say it takes all sorts.