Hunting Forum

..... A guy is walking in a supermarket yelling ,"Crisco,Crisco?" A store clerk says to him ,"sir,the crisco is on aisle 5." "Im not looking for crico, im calling my wife." "Your wife is named crisco?" He says, "No , i only call her that in public." The clerk asks,"What do you call her when your home?" "He says,LARD ASS!"

Jack is on his death bed, and he asks his wife,"Can you give me one last wish?" She says ,"Anything you want." He says,"After i die, will you marry Larry?" She says,"But i thought you hated Larry." With his last breath he says,I do!"

Patientoc you gotta help me! Im under alot of stressand i keep losing my temper with people......... Doctor:......."Tell me your problem."....Patient:...I JUST DID, YOU FREAKIN JACKASS!.......lmao

Please give comments..What i have been trying to do...is give good funny jokes without getting nasty...i have morals..so i do my best and try to figure the best jokes without getting to provocative.....but i cant fix anything unless i know what is broke..........So until tonight..thanx for the views..may everybody fill thier frezzers and have a safe and great day... laterz

yor not sleeping on the job...your"rationing consciousness."

Good job MW, the jokes are clean. and give a good chuckle.

polarize.........what penguins see with...lmao

Thanx CKELL i really think im doing good now coming from you and the other comments.......hopefully i can keep it going..lmao..latrz dude

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this f**king badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"


I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f**king BADGE!!"




"A

Ole lived across River from Clarence, who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years.

Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, said, "Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence yust like you said you vould?"

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat."

Ole started for the bridge, but then he saw a sign on the bridge. He stopped to read it, then he turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change me mind 'bout beatin' up datder Clarence. Dey put a sign on da bridge dat says 'Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.' You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river!"





Limit politicians to two terms, one in office and one in prison

This one can get you in trouble .



HOW TO INTERPRET 9 WORDS WOMEN USE





(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, NOT permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of “nothing”.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when she will make you pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you're welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here - this is only true unless she says 'Thanks a lot' – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you're welcome”...that will bring on a “whatever”).



(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What's wrong?” For the woman's response refer to # 3. Miss Deboraha Made This REAL CLEAR To Me, And I Thought That I Would Pass It On,,,,,Miner Mike






"The

thanx joe,,,that made me laugh real hard..and the support is awessome...keep bringing them...(god) knows i need all the help i can get.. lol

I can't post any of the jokes I know........they just aren't funny when you edit out the language!!!!!!!!

Posted By rthomas4 on 25 Aug 2012 12:43 PM
I can't post any of the jokes I know........they just aren't funny when you edit out the language!!!!!!!!

Same here

I'll bring more over later .

lets see if this works here .

 

Subject: Fw: NEW DOWNSPOUT ENGINEERING This is the COOLEST gutter downspout I have ever seen…
Big Dawg Posts:8604	18 Aug

Translations for men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."




Keep the wind at your back, and your pan loaded with GOLD








Post Reply

joe that last sounded just a little female biased, admit it holly was watching you when you posted that. that should be titled what women think we mean.



Translations for men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

#########" IT'S A GUY THING" Translated, I can fix it now in a few minutes, or spend hours explaining the most basic parts, and still hear the words "whatever"



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

##################"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated the same as ITS A GUY THING

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
################### Real translation: If it were up to me it could/would stay in the same place for years. But seeing as how I have no logical idea of how/what you were thinking at the time you moved it, where is it.

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
################# All so translated as to; Which day time talk show were you watching today, that said if your man.

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

##############All so translated: I do what she tells me when she tells me or there will be He77 to pay.

No ckell she is at the fair .Like I said on one other this could get you in trouble .

how do you make a hankerchief dance?     put a little boogie in it