grandpops
Posts:400
 |
| 26 Apr 2013 05:44 AM |
�
|
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
(This was just a test!)
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day.
Laugh, and then Laugh and sing
"It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."
|
|
| Fred, Cleburne, Tx.
NRA Life Member, NAHC Life Member, DU, USN Vet, NRA Certified Instructor
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again." |
|
|
Steve
Posts:1688
|
| 30 Apr 2013 06:42 PM |
�
|
We were at the store once and she was buying a bra and she said they never have the right size.
I said " You mean they don't make a 38 LONG "....and that's when the fight started  |
|
| Steve:
OSOK - Poughkeepsie, NY |
|
|
SGINGRAS
Posts:997
|
| 01 May 2013 04:51 PM |
�
|
|
SHERIFF EXAM!
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman!
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as
mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces!
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
dreamed of working:
The West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews,the Chief Deputy
finally called him into his office
for the young man's last interview.The Chief Deputy said,You're
a big strong kid
and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look
good, but we have, what
you might call, an Attitude Suitability Test, that you must
take before you can be
accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge,son!
Sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk,the
Chief said,take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens
Six lawyers,
Six meth dealers,
Six Muslim extremists,
Six Democrats,
And a rabbit!
Why the rabbit?Queried the applicant!
You pass,said the Chief Deputy.
When can you start?
I LOVE
Texas!
|
|
|
|
|
|
SGINGRAS
Posts:997
|
| 02 May 2013 05:34 PM |
�
|
Homesick snowbird
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper
sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the
tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope
this helps!"
|
|
|
|
|
grandpops
Posts:400
|
| 04 May 2013 03:59 AM |
�
|
Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MANandTHANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
|
|
| Fred, Cleburne, Tx.
NRA Life Member, NAHC Life Member, DU, USN Vet, NRA Certified Instructor
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again." |
|
|
SGINGRAS
Posts:997
|
| 22 May 2013 06:40 PM |
�
|
Ole, The Norwegian Wrestler
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were
set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the
Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this
'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing
Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew
all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised
his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back
hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and
winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get
out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but
at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in
front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I
stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"
|
|
|
|
|
grandpops
Posts:400
|
| 23 May 2013 03:57 AM |
�
|
Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men:
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway. |
|
| Fred, Cleburne, Tx.
NRA Life Member, NAHC Life Member, DU, USN Vet, NRA Certified Instructor
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again." |
|
|