Hunting Forum

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round ... And He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

a

Larry the Cable Guy said this



Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:... Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shall Not Steal' 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this..... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
GET 'ER DONE

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

H ow does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

Velcro - what a rip off!

Sorry everybody, I know its been awhile.....Ill try to make up for it...but no promises ..lmao

"Its just too hot to wear clothes today", Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"To which she replied,'Probably that I married you for your money".

Old Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language
of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other....... Very confused,
one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled up,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."


Room Needed!


On behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help.

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.






true stories ?








Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you{1}*******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

An Obama crony from Chicago stimulates the economy.




Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

I got this off of Roger Raglin's facebook page. If her prayer works, I may have to review my religious point of view!!!!!!!


During a recent morning mass in New York City, a little old Italian lady made her way to the front and out of character prayed rather loudly this simply statement .

Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...you have taken
my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael
Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress
Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my
favorite announcer Dick Clark. I just wanted you to know that my
favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Keep on dreaming. We'll never get that lucky.

And that's not even funny.

God knows she is lying .So she will be punished .

 

Nature replicates humans...

Spiders On Drugs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

 

 

Hey grouches: had to go to page 5 before I found it again. Cheer up.

A picture is better than 1000 words.

 

English lesson.

Sure would like to fill in the gaps...
Bet you too. Holly would also like to cut it shorter too.

    Posted: 21 Feb 2013 at 11:49am

*edit*

Nevermind... the image wasn't there when I first looked. Either that or I'm seeing things (or not seeing them) from givin' up drinkin' 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

This has to be one of my all time favorite comedy pieces. On the Carol Burnett show
when it was live TV, it was no secret that the cast loved to try and break each other up.
One evening the show was running long and they were supposed to move the skit of
"The Family" along to try and make up time. Well Conway, being Conway thought that
to be an excellent opportunity to go slightly off script and try to make his cast mates
lose it...