Hunting Forum

A woman posts an ad that looks like this...."Looking for a man with these quilifacations;Wont beat me up;or run awayfrom me; and is great in bed!She gets alot of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said,"My name is Bob. I have no arms so i wont beat you up and i have no legs so i cant run away from you." So the lady says,"What makes you think you are great in bed?"Bob replies," I rang the door bell didnt I?"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrows final exam.He said there would be no excuse for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family memebers death.One smart assed, male student said,"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"And the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter subsided,the teacher glared at the student and said,"Not an excuse, you can still use your other hand to write."

The queen of England was visiting one of Canadas top hospitals,and during her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masterbating."Oh my god ,"said the queen,Thats discraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains,"Im sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidily fill with seaman. If he doesnt do that 5 times a day, they will explode and most likely die instantly." "Oh, im sorry,"said the queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a B.J. "Oh my god," the queen said. "Whats happening in there?" The doctor replied,"Same problem,better health plan." lol

Hey YOTESLAYER...i was inspired from my last screw- up for that one lol

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and,feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks,"Why dont we get it on, eh?" She replies,"I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I dont like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks,"You dont by any chance, have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"

A dog, a cat, and a penis were sitting around a campfire one night.The dog says,"My life sucks, my master makes me do my buisness on a fire hydrant"The cat says,"I dont think so, my master makes me do my buisness in a box of litter!"The penis outraged, says,"At least your master doesnt put a bag over your head and make you do push-ups untill you throw up!"

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room."Where in the hell are you going?"He asks. "Im going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400.00 for a B.J. there, and i figured that I might as well make money for what I do for you for free."The husband thinks for a moment,goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcases packed as well."Where do you think your going?"The wife asks. "Im going with you..... I want to see how you survive on $800.00 a year!!!!" lol

A dwarf gets on an elevator, and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.In steps a very large black man.The dwarf says,"Youre the biggest man ive ever seen." The man nods his head and says,"Im 6 -9, weigh259 pounds, and have 16 inches, Im Turner Brown."The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does,"Im 6-9, weigh 259 pounds, with 16 inches, My name is Turner Brown."The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing."For a minute there, I thought you said ,"Turn Around!" lmao

OK peeps..its 02:30 in the morning..thats enough for tonight lol..see yall tomorrow...hmmm..maybe 1 more beer...lol

I also wanna thank GRANDPOPS...your throwing in some really great jokes as well

Southern Language!!!


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"


Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North!

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and concealed carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're are carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!"

I will put it here too.

Constipated? Posted: Yesterday at 5:27am

<!-- Start Member Post --> <!-- google_ad_section_start --> Constipated? Are you troubled with frequent or occasional constipation? If so, stand in front of the mirror and repeat three times in succession when symptoms occur. My present and future personal and financial well being are in the hands of Barack Obama Joe Biden Harry Reid Nancy Pelosi Tim Geitner Barney Frank and Chris Dodd If that doesn't scare the c##p out of you, you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life! No need to thank me, just doing my civic duty.

She Doesn't Go To Public School
Posted: 04 Oct 2012 at 5:12pm





I was eating breakfast with my 12-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?."



She said "It's President's Day!"



She is a smart kid, so I asked "What does President's Day mean?"



I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.



She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of B***s***."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE




1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10.. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

Holly are you trying to tell me something?....I was trying to get people out of the political doo doo ..and i was really trying to appease steve at the same time...I guess ill never make peeps happy all the time...lol

Try this one .

Humor
Posted: Yesterday at 6:28pm




Keeping You Up To Date

Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.


Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs.


Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken ****.

Just keeping you up to date...





The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.
Recycle congress and POTUS 11/2012

HAHHHAHAHA ...now thats funny

Well the numbers don't lie the Missellaneous forum is one of the most read forums in here. And it looks like the Humor theard has gained a following. Poeple like their Humor and Politics. Mix em and seems to work well togather. But Leno figured that out , we won't talk about that other left wing late night show on at the same time.

Yeah, but have you noticed it's the same bunch of folks who participate on the popular forums?????????? Where in the hell are the other 450,000+? I know......they are the same people who are now employed in Obama's recently released jobs report!!!!!!!!!!!