mwalton7
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| 23 Sep 2012 04:59 AM |
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A baptist preacher is giving his semon on Sunday. He preaches about the sinful gluttony of drinking alcohol. He says ,"Lets take all the wine, and pour into the river!" Then he says, "Lets take all the beer and pour it into the river!" Then as the sermon ends,he says "Lets throw all the bottles of of hard liquor into the river and then we will all be truly saved!" As he leaves the pulpit, he forgets his last statement and says," And our last song for todays service will be, ( Lets all gather at the river.)...lol |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 23 Sep 2012 05:05 AM |
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A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all- money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beatiful woman......then poof, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out!"....lol |
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yote
Posts:753
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| 23 Sep 2012 06:21 AM |
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Posted By mwalton7 on 23 Sep 2012 05:59 AM
A baptist preacher is giving his semon on Sunday. He preaches about the sinful gluttony of drinking alcohol. He says ,"Lets take all the wine, and pour into the river!" Then he says, "Lets take all the beer and pour it into the river!" Then as the sermon ends,he says "Lets throw all the bottles of of hard liquor into the river and then we will all be truly saved!" As he leaves the pulpit, he forgets his last statement and says," And our last song for todays service will be, ( Lets all gather at the river.)...lol
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| so goes the church, so goes the nation |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 23 Sep 2012 06:28 AM |
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opps my bad...lol..like i said before i type with 2 fingers thats prelude to disater..lmao..thanks coyoteslayer for the insight and mabey a correction..rofl |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 23 Sep 2012 06:43 AM |
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HAHAHAHAHAHA ...i cant help it, thats funnier than the damn joke itself.Man I really screwed that up..but i think it was for the best |
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yote
Posts:753
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| 23 Sep 2012 06:45 AM |
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when I read that my first thought was, this should be a funny joke |
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| so goes the church, so goes the nation |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 23 Sep 2012 06:53 AM |
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Im glad your enjoying my screw up better than the joke... i am reall lmao...I was hoping for the other response but ..oh well...ill probably get more reviews and comments now...Its sad though that some people wait on the mess ups( not you) and then they get mad and try to be asses about it...im truly enjoying this joke more than i should..and always please add in any comments...that really made my day... |
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holly
Posts:2398
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| 23 Sep 2012 02:27 PM |
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mwalton you type like I do .Fingers get tired if I type too much . |
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yote
Posts:753
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| 23 Sep 2012 05:04 PM |
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one day tonto and the lone range were out riding thier horses and they came to a set of railroad tracks. tonto dismounts and puts his ear against the rail, after a moment he states,"hmm, buffalo cum."
the lone ranger askes,"how can you tell?"
tonto responds,"head stuck to rail!"
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| so goes the church, so goes the nation |
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flatbkman
Posts:169
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| 25 Sep 2012 03:34 PM |
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Drafting Guys Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a
Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks
I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the
military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military
unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds
think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of
times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be
cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for
awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up
before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides,
like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well
be up killing some
fanatical
son-of-a{1}*****.
If captured we couldn't spill
the
beans because we'd
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys..
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've
also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle
course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with
rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic
training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a
waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead
of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty
girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his
eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to
keep
our kids at home to
learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty
rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want
to
see is a couple million pissed off
old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are
already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over
50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put
them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first
night!
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holly
Posts:2398
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| 29 Sep 2012 02:38 PM |
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Investment Plan
Posted: 25 Sep 2012 at 5:57pm
If you had purchased 1,000 dollars of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have 49 dollars today!
If you had purchased 1,000 dollars of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have 33 dollars today.
If you had purchased 1,000 dollars of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have 0 dollars today.
But, if you had purchased 1,000 dollars worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received 214 dollars.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
And, as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that, on average, Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you darned proud to be an American
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 03:51 AM |
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Good morning to all..I havent been in here for a few days......nice joke holly...kinda funny thats why i wasnt in here... I have this buddy of mine that did three tours in Iraq..and every month he cames to my house and we tell war stories..play lots of ps 2 games and basically binge drink for 2 or 3 days...Anyway im back with a few more jokes.. ill try to add more later tonight...enjoy and have great day. |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 03:58 AM |
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A man went to the police stationwishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before. "Youll get your chance in court," said the desk seargent. "NO, NO, NO!" insisted the man." I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife, Ive been trying to do that for years!" |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 04:07 AM |
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A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. When asked how she got bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied,"Oh doctor i cant....My dogs breath is awful!" |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 04:16 AM |
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During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field,she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said," One at a time boys, one at a time." |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 04:29 AM |
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Twelve monks were about to be ordained.The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.Each monk had a small bell attached to his ptivates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the 1st monk, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly, it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell,and eleven other bells began to ring. |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 04:48 AM |
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Three privates in the army were in a foxhole in Iraq, when for some reason they started bragging about their penises. The first soldier bragged that when he was erect, he could stand 4 beer cans on his penis.The 2nd soldier, not to be outdone exclaimed he could lay 7 quarters on his member end- to -end. The third soldier said when he was erect he could have 7 crows standing side by side on his johnson.At this point a huge assualt takes place, and the 3 men were firing their weapons, reloading and going through the hell that is war.Ater an hour of fighting, their was a lull in the battle. Being scared the 1st private states,"I have something to confess, i can only stand 2 beer cans on winky!" The 2nd soldier pipes up," Yeah, i lied too, i can only fit 5 quarters across." As the fighting picks up again the 3rd soldier admits ,screaming over the gun fight, " alright, i confess, the 7th crow has to stand on 1 leg!" |
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mwalton7
Posts:456
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| 30 Sep 2012 05:03 AM |
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A man walks into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist an that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees there.She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said ,"This is embarrassing for me, but i have a permanent erection, which causes a lot of problems and severe embarrassement. I was wondering what could you give me for it?"The pharamacist said," Just a minute, ill go consult with my sister." When she returned, she said,"The best we can do is 1/3rd ownership in the store and $3,000 a month living expenses." lol |
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grandpops
Posts:428
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| 06 Oct 2012 04:54 AM |
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies” tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.” |
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| Fred, Cleburne, Tx.
NRA Life Member, NAHC Life Member, DU, USN Vet, NRA Certified Instructor
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again." |
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grandpops
Posts:428
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| 06 Oct 2012 05:07 AM |
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His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the Pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there." |
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| Fred, Cleburne, Tx.
NRA Life Member, NAHC Life Member, DU, USN Vet, NRA Certified Instructor
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again." |
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